Dream a little, dream of me

I'm scared of the night, my love.

I'm  scared of falling asleep because 

i know I will dream of you.

I will wake up crying, devastated and exhausted.

But it's a risk I willingly take 

every single night, because that's 

the only time and place I can see you,

hear you and hug you.

I miss you. I miss you so much, it hurts...

Come back again, tonight.

Please let me swim in my sea of sorrow 

one more time.

Come back again tonight, my love.

I'll wait for you between sleep and awake...

-ioanna

To my kindred spirit...

Let's meet again one day, my love...

Wait for me on the stage of an old theater.

You'll smell of stars and wisdom and the creaky floorboards will sing under our weight and excitement.

I love you, my bird.

I love you, i miss you, i dream about you but waking up brings me back to a world that you are no longer in...

And it's cruel and it's unfair and it's painful.

Can you hear me?

Can you see me smile at you?

Save me a seat amongst the clouds. The same one we shared for 6 years in school. The furthest from the blackboard, so we can chat and be silly.

let's meet again one day, my love...

...how many more souls can the sea hold?

Once upon a time, on a peaceful night with clear sky and stars that promised adventures and dreams for a new life, a flock of colourful birds dressed in the moon and with broken wings, boarded a paper boat with their destination the unknown, somewhere in the Mediterranean sea. The unknown that as much as it scared them, they truly believed that it couldn't be worse than the flames and death they were leaving behind.

Big birds, small and little tiny ones that barely knew how to fly yet. Birds that laughed, cried, loved and were loved. Birds that the only thing they wanted, was to heal and fly once again. Birds that left their families, friends and livelihood behind without really wanting to.

They didn't choose to leave their nests, you know. They had to. They were forced to, even. By the ones who have a lot but want more. Because that's how greed works, my friend. It becomes an addiction. A disease. If you have just enough, you learn to live and go through life with it. If you happen to have plenty, you want more and more and more. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Maybe some people believe that Hades will welcome you with honours, if you arrive dressed in gold.

God didn't see the little paper boat that night. He has too much on His hands after all. He didn't see it floating on the clear blue waters and He raised big waves to froth the sea. The same sea that loved the birds on first sight because they had a familiar scent of saltiness in their eyes. And the boat started filling up with water. And all wings, smiles and dreams got wet. They fought for hours to keep their little heads above the water, to save their young, to save their loved ones, to save themselves...

Some of them, with shattered wings and chaos behind their eyes, touched land the next day. They knew that they were barely alive from then on. They knew that they were pawns on a chessboard owned by blue blooded predators.
The rest became foam. They are being put to sleep by Sirens and mermaids decorate their necks with strings of pearls.

And finally the gold dressed predators laughed. ''More sky for us'', they thought while pushing the next boat in the water...

...how many more souls can the sea hold?

Requiem for the unrequited love

For the ones you fell in love with the first time you saw them smile...

For the ones who made your poor little heart beat anxiously every time they looked at you...

For the ones who everytime they said your name out loud, you swore you saw little hearts escape your eyes...

For the ones that when they gave you a kiss on the cheek for the first time, your knees gave in...

For the ones for whom you overlooked your standards and principles and made a full 180°...

For the ones that made you laugh harder just to make your presence known....

For the ones you had to accept as friends, just so you can be close to, every day...

For the ones who became vital pieces of your everyday life...

For the ones whose silliness, carefree lifestyle and soul you loved more and more each day...

For the ones who you could only watch from afar...

For the ones that one beautiful spring morning, you saw kissing their new girlfriends and your heart sunk forever...

For the ones you saw move on, leaving you back, staring at the emptiness of your existence...

For the ones who hurt you more than anyone ever did...

For the ones who helped you become stronger...

For the ones you are now able to be happy for, even if you are not part of their lives anymore...

For the ones who will always be an open wound and a bittersweet memory in your life's diary...

For that unrequited love who will never know how much you were able to love....

 

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine…

The ''love'' life

 My God it's been a while, hasn't it? No excuses. I need to get back on track.

Happy new year everyone! 2023 and let's hope things will get better. More money? A better job? More experiences? A new partner? Ask and you shall be given. No, not by me. I can barely keep up with my life, let alone help others. The universe. Manifestation is apparently something that many people swear by. Personally, i have only seen glimpses of it.

Last time i promised to talk about my love life and right now, it honestly feels like a joke. Love and relationships were never really my forte. I was always clueless to the point of going on dates without realising they were dates, until my friends told me they were. I couldn't understand how i wasn't able to like men the way my friends did, how kissing someone was a really big deal, how sex did not cross my mind till i was way into my 20s. I felt like a lonely freak. After doing my own research, talking to people, start going on dates that i actually knew they were dates, i came to the conclusion that i am demisexual.

''Oh you poor thing! Does it hurt? How do you get it? Is it like the flu?'' No, calm your tits. Demisexuality falls under the asexuality umbrella. I can fall in love, be sexually aroused and have a relationship BUT i can only do those things with someone i form a strong relationship with. To try and make it more clear, imagine going on a date with someone. You can have a great night chatting but for you they feel like a complete stranger. When you kiss, you feel nothing and in my case, i open my eyes and start making mental lists of chores i have to do when i go home. No sexual thoughts, no tingly feelings. They are nobodies. The problem with this is that in this day and age people don't care enough to get to know each other. Everything happens quickly and they jump in bed pretty much immediately. So? Who are the people you form close bonds with? ...your friends. Do you know how exhausting it is to start a friendship with someone because you like them as a person but end up falling for them months after? I have lost friendships i cherished because they didn't like me back that way. As an extremely dramatic person, i explain the situation as ''i fall in love with someone every 3-5 years and get rejected. I am basically destined to have my heart broken every 3-5 years''.

So for years, i had given up. Didn't want anything to do with love. Until last year when i decided to bring my walls down and try it with someone i knew, who is a decent person and they liked me...for me. They also happened to be a woman, something i hadn't considered before. But, i am known to not care about labels, so i thought why not. And it lasted almost a year. Not bad for someone who couldn't see another person in her bed, taking up all of her duvet, right?
Was it amazing? Were there fireworks, butterflies and passion? No, no they weren't. I was happy to share my life with someone but she didn't allow herself to be vulnerable and open. We ended things a couple of months ago cause i was exhausted being in an unrequited relationship. 

Have i given up? No, not really. Quite the contrary. Now that i have tasted a sample of what it means to care for someone and for them to -some times- care for you, i'm sure there is someone out there waiting to share themselves with me and i'll be ready when it happens.

Jane Austen, my queen whom i mentioned in my previous post, was a hopeless romantic. She believed in true love, wrote about it and became famous for that amongst other things. Unfortunately, she never fully experienced it herself. Rumours say that she was in love but he died suddenly. Others say that she simply never found someone to love and be loved in return.  It's been my fear for a long time now that this might be the case for me. I hope that it's not but if it is, my dream it to embrace it. To love myself so much, that my own company will be more than enough. I mean, worst case scenario, i'll make sure i have a big sex toy collection.

Cheers to a dramatic new year

J.

A long introduction

 'It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife''

   How disappointed would Jane Austen be knowing that pretty much nothing has changed 200+ years after her masterpiece was written. In this day and age, women are assumed to be in want of marriage, no matter the fortune they possess. It doesn't matter if you have studied or not, it doesn't matter if you have travelled the word or not, it doesn't matter if you just left your family house and can barely cook or operate a washing machine. The minute you hit 25, you are assumed to be ready to throw yourself out there and find yourself a partner. Men, well. No matter the fortune they possess, they will always have a choice of when, where and how.

   In my case ladies, gentlemen and everything else in between, at the beautiful age of 30, i am supposed to already be married with at least 2 children. My mother, bless her heart, keeps hinting things like ''your cousin is getting married next month. You know. the young one''. Or ''i saw your classmate yesterday while shopping. She was holding her beautiful baby''. It doesn't matter how many times i tell her that having a family is not something i want to do in this life, she just keeps hoping that one day i will call her to announce that i am engaged to be married and ready to pop a couple of little ones.

   Now, don't get me wrong, having a family is nice and all but it's just not for me. Never was. I never pictured myself walking down the aisle or holding children, i was never anxious about time flying by while i stayed single, gorgeous and living alone. That was my dream ever since i was little. Coming from a family of 6, all living together in the same house and from a society that thinks it's absolutely normal for someone to stay in their family house till the age of 40, having my own place and live a quiet life, was all i ever wanted. And i did it. One day i packed my bags and flew to England leaving everything and everyone behind.

   Am i living the ''sex & the city'' type of life? The glam, the career, the sex, the shoes? Absolutely not. I moved here to work with people in need and that's what i've been doing for the past 3 years. More details on the subject of ''work'' will follow on another post. Whenever i think about my current situation though, i can't help but feel proud of myself for being able to detach myself from a toxic reality and move on to an independent life. I have my flat, my job, endless amount of chocolate and coffee... what more can a girl ask for? 

  Am i happy you ask? Generally, i would say yes. The last couple of years haven't been good for anyone and i am not an exception to the rule. I lost people i deeply cared about and i managed to see my family only for a few days but im getting there. Slowly but surely. I have good support from good friends and i build memories that i will ''feed'' on for the next few years. Do i crave affection from a partner? Sure.I sometimes look around and can't help but feel jealous of couples smiling at each other while having coffee and sharing cake.
-Then why don't you go out and meet someone, lady?, you might be wondering.
Should we talk about it next time?

See you soon
J.