My God it's been a while, hasn't it? No excuses. I need to get back on track.
Happy new year everyone! 2023 and let's hope things will get better. More money? A better job? More experiences? A new partner? Ask and you shall be given. No, not by me. I can barely keep up with my life, let alone help others. The universe. Manifestation is apparently something that many people swear by. Personally, i have only seen glimpses of it.
Last time i promised to talk about my love life and right now, it honestly feels like a joke. Love and relationships were never really my forte. I was always clueless to the point of going on dates without realising they were dates, until my friends told me they were. I couldn't understand how i wasn't able to like men the way my friends did, how kissing someone was a really big deal, how sex did not cross my mind till i was way into my 20s. I felt like a lonely freak. After doing my own research, talking to people, start going on dates that i actually knew they were dates, i came to the conclusion that i am demisexual.
''Oh you poor thing! Does it hurt? How do you get it? Is it like the flu?'' No, calm your tits. Demisexuality falls under the asexuality umbrella. I can fall in love, be sexually aroused and have a relationship BUT i can only do those things with someone i form a strong relationship with. To try and make it more clear, imagine going on a date with someone. You can have a great night chatting but for you they feel like a complete stranger. When you kiss, you feel nothing and in my case, i open my eyes and start making mental lists of chores i have to do when i go home. No sexual thoughts, no tingly feelings. They are nobodies. The problem with this is that in this day and age people don't care enough to get to know each other. Everything happens quickly and they jump in bed pretty much immediately. So? Who are the people you form close bonds with? ...your friends. Do you know how exhausting it is to start a friendship with someone because you like them as a person but end up falling for them months after? I have lost friendships i cherished because they didn't like me back that way. As an extremely dramatic person, i explain the situation as ''i fall in love with someone every 3-5 years and get rejected. I am basically destined to have my heart broken every 3-5 years''.
So for years, i had given up. Didn't want anything to do with love. Until last year when i decided to bring my walls down and try it with someone i knew, who is a decent person and they liked me...for me. They also happened to be a woman, something i hadn't considered before. But, i am known to not care about labels, so i thought why not. And it lasted almost a year. Not bad for someone who couldn't see another person in her bed, taking up all of her duvet, right?
Was it amazing? Were there fireworks, butterflies and passion? No, no they weren't. I was happy to share my life with someone but she didn't allow herself to be vulnerable and open. We ended things a couple of months ago cause i was exhausted being in an unrequited relationship.
Have i given up? No, not really. Quite the contrary. Now that i have tasted a sample of what it means to care for someone and for them to -some times- care for you, i'm sure there is someone out there waiting to share themselves with me and i'll be ready when it happens.
Jane Austen, my queen whom i mentioned in my previous post, was a hopeless romantic. She believed in true love, wrote about it and became famous for that amongst other things. Unfortunately, she never fully experienced it herself. Rumours say that she was in love but he died suddenly. Others say that she simply never found someone to love and be loved in return. It's been my fear for a long time now that this might be the case for me. I hope that it's not but if it is, my dream it to embrace it. To love myself so much, that my own company will be more than enough. I mean, worst case scenario, i'll make sure i have a big sex toy collection.
Cheers to a dramatic new year
J.
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